sounded like a good idea at the time

2004-06-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

I'm maybe just a monkey, plastic. Sitting in a seat, Thinking in a thought. Drained of bittersweet memories.....

So its been quite a while since I posted anything. Alek and I are through and Kurtis and I are dating. its strange, to look back on the last year and realize what a bitch I've been to people around me. I'm trying to start over, trying to make some new friends, try some new things. But it's difficult. I feel like I'm trying to hard and annoying everyone. I don't know what to do......

Oh well.......

2003-11-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

Hurt, Hurt, Hurt

Its funny, my creativity usually thrives off pain. But for some reason, with this, I can't write worth shit. I'm so scared that he'll pull away completely, assume something stupid, like that I'd be better off without him. I just wish I could stop being so mean, but when I'm around him lately I feel so scared and hurt, its like this fear has been building and building, and the past few days the bomb has gone off. And all I want is just to spend some time with him, and talk with him, I don't want to yell, I don't want to bitch, but out of fear I seem to go into this painful almost psychotic state were I can't control my emotions. It's hard. I can't sit still. I wish he would email, call, anything even if he doesn't have anything to say. Just to show he cares enough to see if I'm still alive.
I miss him so much.

2003-05-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

I Decide to post this again for some reason

This is a letter I wrote to my cousin Roxanne:

Hey, Sorry it took me so long to reply, Life has been hectic...
Not to sound pessimistic....(but it did take me rather long to respond...) Are you are George still together?
The so-called "War" in Iraq is ridiculous....it does amuse me how we jumped targets from Afganistan and the "evil" Osama Bin Laden, to the equally evil goverment apparatus, of "Saddam Hussein" and his cohorts. Hehehe conspritially one would think we rigged the Twin Towers crisis, just to be able to target a Mid-Eastern country so that way we could the foolish Americans behind it all and then, "sneekily hopscotch over to Iraq" and get the American "Spirit behind us, to fight a individual we've been after for a while, after all Bushie Jr.s Dad was part of the CIA that taught Osama is skills.....But thats speaking conspritially.....
There are two sides to my actual views on the war....One side is...there is alot of propaganda out there about Saddam being the "new age Hitler" and if what we are doing over there (which I entirely doubt) is liberating "his" people from his facist tyranny, I support the war almost 100%, but I do think If (and this is a huge IF) we are actually doing that, it wouldn't make much sense to be patrolling oil fields, and blowing up civilian homes. So thats why the pther part of me knows that this war is wrong, because underneath all the propaganda about our counrty being a"lovely little democrasy that saves the rest of the world from its communist terrorist and shows the the golden holy light which is our goverment" I know we're just scared shitless to be losing our luxury which is the oil fields....So of course we have to puff ourselves up proud and bound over there to kill a few 100 thousand people to save the American dream which is convienance.

Thats my take on it. America should take a tip from Switzerland and remove their hand out of the rest of the worlds ass.

I am so envious, How were the concerts? Hehehe on this side of the world we only get people like Cris Williamson...
Speaking of musicians...have you heard of John Prine...I really love him. He's a folk singer and he writes some really cool poltical songs.
My "Boyfriend" Alek and I are still together...its really great when you've found the person you have that solid connection with....only problem is it makes everything else in your life sem worthless by comparison....
Anyway, I've been ranting too long...
Aimee

2003-04-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Things that have been dragging down my thoughts..
I don't want to think about this again and type it again in my jounal write-y thingie (which is the very thing I am typing in right now)
So I will put the letter I sent Kika about in here and hope whoever reads it will get the gist.

Alek and I have in the past week, began to "have sex".....well...yesterday and today....we would be making out...uhhh...naked and "it" would kind of just Slip in...then...I don't know I guess you wouldn't really understand unless you had expirienced it before...but well...we didn't exactly stop....he didn't come, but the pre-ejactulatory stuff is supposed to have some "swimmers" or things in it...this sort of thing happened twice....neither time did he actually come...I am worried though because today I realized I was ovulating...plus my mom keeps talking to me about sex andhow it only takes one time for someone to get pregnant. Alek and I have talked about it...I'm going to get a pregnancy test in two weeks. And then We'll know...I personally know people like my friend Amy, who had sex a ton of times without any contraceptive, and the guy did come, and she never got pregnant....but still I'm worried. Very worried....Alek is 18 and if I try to go in for an abortion, he'll get sent to prison for stagatory rape...so if I am pregnant....regardless of whether I decide to have it or not...(and it would probably be not) the only way to keep him from getting in legal trouble we would have to get married. And if I do get pregnant, we will. Anyway, I'm pretty freaked out...I needed to talk to someone besides Alek about this...And you are the only one I feel I could trust...Also, if I do get pregnant, I have no idea how I would tell my mom, I wouldn't be able to tell her unless I knew for sure I was because she would just treat me like shit and make me feel stupider than I already do.....
I'm sorry to burden you with this, but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
-Aimee

2003-04-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

80% Seme

How seme are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-26T19:57:00.001-07:00

Band of the day: Aimee Mann

2003-04-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

Kurtis sent me this a week ago.
"Ammie what do I have to do to get you back???

I will just about do anything…

That’s how much I love you, and miss you.

I miss holding your hand.

I miss talking to you until I feel asleep.

I miss saying “I love you Ammie.”

I miss being able to touch you when I want to.

I miss kissing you most of all...

And I’ve always have loved you, and i always will"

2003-04-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

Which Sarah Dessen Character Are You?

2003-04-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

Band of the Day: John Prine

2003-04-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is a letter I wrote to my cousin Roxanne:

Hey, Sorry it took me so long to reply, Life has been hectic...
Not to sound pessimistic....(but it did take me rather long to respond...) Are you are George still together?
The so-called "War" in Iraq is ridiculous....it does amuse me how we jumped targets from Afganistan and the "evil" Osama Bin Laden, to the equally evil goverment apparatus, of "Saddam Hussein" and his cohorts. Hehehe conspritially one would think we rigged the Twin Towers crisis, just to be able to target a Mid-Eastern country so that way we could the foolish Americans behind it all and then, "sneekily hopscotch over to Iraq" and get the American "Spirit behind us, to fight a individual we've been after for a while, after all Bushie Jr.s Dad was part of the CIA that taught Osama is skills.....But thats speaking conspritially.....
There are two sides to my actual views on the war....One side is...there is alot of propaganda out there about Saddam being the "new age Hitler" and if what we are doing over there (which I entirely doubt) is liberating "his" people from his facist tyranny, I support the war almost 100%, but I do think If (and this is a huge IF) we are actually doing that, it wouldn't make much sense to be patrolling oil fields, and blowing up civilian homes. So thats why the pther part of me knows that this war is wrong, because underneath all the propaganda about our counrty being a"lovely little democrasy that saves the rest of the world from its communist terrorist and shows the the golden holy light which is our goverment" I know we're just scared shitless to be losing our luxury which is the oil fields....So of course we have to puff ourselves up proud and bound over there to kill a few 100 thousand people to save the American dream which is convienance.

Thats my take on it. America should take a tip from Switzerland and remove their hand out of the rest of the worlds ass.

I am so envious, How were the concerts? Hehehe on this side of the world we only get people like Cris Williamson...
Speaking of musicians...have you heard of John Prine...I really love him. He's a folk singer and he writes some really cool poltical songs.
My "Boyfriend" Alek and I are still together...its really great when you've found the person you have that solid connection with....only problem is it makes everything else in your life sem worthless by comparison....
Anyway, I've been ranting too long...
Aimee

2003-04-19T01:47:00.001-07:00

Band of the day: Eric Clapton

2003-04-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

Eva

Which high class ho are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am no longer a virgin!
I had sex with him last week...well not really sex....there was pentration so, technically we did perform sexual intercourse. But it hurt like HELL, lasted about 2 minutes, there was no sort of climax on either end and we were both terribly drunk. So overall it was an average "first time"......
Anyway...I realize I haven't had much time to write in you...and I apologize....I went through a time where I just couldn't write without it being entirely forced...I think I've gotten over that and with that in mind I will begin to write in you much much more!!!

2003-04-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

9. I love that he admits his fondness for bitching about Society, Politics...blah blah.
10. I love that he relates so well to animals.
11. I love the fact that he dances like Groucho Marx when he's acting like a japanese school girl.
12. I love that he let me dress him up in womens clothing.
13. I love this eyes.
14. I love his obsession with licking things.
15. I love that he can be very romantic.
16. I love that he can be very un-romantic.
17. I love his sense of humour.
18. I love that he doesn't know martial arts but still flales around stylishly.

2003-04-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

I love him so completely. He's the best person I have ever been fortunate enough to meet. I can't imagine anyone more ideal for me. And he feels the same of me. His blue eyes grin at me in my head.
I love to touch him. To feel him. To speak with him. Fuck I know its corny as hell but I'm going to make a list of everything I love about him...over time of course.
1. I love that he won't sit on wet grass.
2. I love that he listens to Techno and finds the inner beats.
3. I love the way he's so rude to people he dislikes. or doesn't know.
4. I love that he's not homophobic.
5. I love that he;s opinionated.
6. I love the redness of his lips and the curves of his mouth.
7. I love that he over-thinks everything.
8. I love that it drove him crazy today trying to find a piece of gum he had spat across the room.

2003-04-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

2003-04-03T21:50:00.001-08:00

Miki

Which Utena guy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Cat Stevens

2003-04-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

Cynthia
She has run away again, To my house. I don't know if I should tell her mother. Her mom treats her like shit. It really bugs me.

2003-04-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

Pollyanna

What kind of girl do you want?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Billy Joel

2003-04-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

Good LORD! Thats funny, check it out. Menwholooklikekennyrogers.com

2003-04-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

he wrote this, and I never felt more alive
I feel so much for you I can't put into words. It's driving me mad. Things I want to say every moment I'm around you, every time I hear your voice or read your words. It's a constant river of emotion, endlessly building until I can't take it anymore and no matter my petty fears or how corny it sounds I have to make an attempt to express my feelings. My only solace is that you have feelings that mirror mine. But still I fear and doubt because deep down, I don't know how anyone could feel for me what I feel for you. So I
suppress my feelings and my actions, I don't say 'I love you' every time there's a pause in the conversation, I don't run up and lick you and kiss you and hug you with all my might every time I see you. But I want to more than anything. At every turn, to express these feelings I can't even come close to putting into words. Right now, I want to take your hand in mine, look deep into your eyes and tell you how much I love you and how I never, ever, want to let go. I want to hold you close feeling your warmth radiating into
me and let you know that I cherish each and every moment time allows me with you. Every time we speak, every time I see you, no matter how normal and ordinary our lives and subject of conversation may be at the time, that undercurrent of emotion runs through every fiber of my being, giving myself body, mind and heart to you and you alone. I want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time, I feel like I'm going to explode. This, is one of those wells in the river I mentioned. . .when I just can't take it anymore
and no matter the cost, have to say what I feel in as much detail as possible. I can't talk like this, to do so would only come as sputters of half-words, I have to write it down. But I want you to hear what I have to say from my lips, in my voice. . .so you know it's real, more real to me than anything else. That you're more real to me than anything else. Maybe I'll read this to you. But I'm still going to send it off via email because I can't keep it to myself any longer. My freaky and frustrated emotional 'love letter' of sorts. Pouring my heart out to a 'new mail' window when I want to be pouring it out for you. Aimee Takaya Davis. Let there be no
mistake. And I just read through a few of your earlier emails to me, which makes me want to cry. More than I already do. Which is a lot right now. I'll try and explain that email thing for you in person. Tomorrow. Which is when I'll see you next. Which gives me a faint glimmer of hope.
-Alek

2003-04-01T10:14:00.001-08:00

Kozue

Which Utena girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Ani Difranco

2003-03-31T20:15:00.000-08:00

Easy are your footsteps
that dance around my spine
caressing what I thought was jaded
stinging what I knew was mine

Pitiful are the shadows
that hang around your door
leaking in the darkened twylight
eagerly craving more

2003-03-31T19:01:00.000-08:00

I liked this day
I skipped 4, 5 and 6th period, today, and hung out with Jared and Ryan....I hadn't realized how much I missed those guys...It reminded me of old times...I got really nostalgic...I missed Ryan, its a great combination to hang out with him and Jared...Ryan is crude and perverse, and Jared is feminine and romantic...They're just like my big brothers, I really think I should hang around them more than I have been....I hadn't even talked to Ryan in months...Anyway, I also saw Alek, I don't know if my mom knows I skipped school...She hasn't said anything about it and she hasn't rendered and hostility...so I don't know...anyway, today was fun regardless..

2003-03-31T18:54:00.001-08:00

Silvia Saint

Which Wanda Polak girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-31T18:54:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: The Apples (in stereo)

2003-03-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

My first attempt was tonight
He and I, were going to have sex today....hehehehe, it was pretty funny, We decided we might as well get it over with and we weretrying to be very scientific about the whole thing, given the fact neither one of us have any experience....So We both took off our pants and got into bed, made out for a while stole some condoms, followed all the instructions on the box and decided for him to see what he was up against, he stuck is hand down there and found the right hole, then we need to get his cock hard for the condom....well, I guess it was nervous, so I gave him a very very short blowjob to harden it and then we slipped the firt condom on....well, within moments it had diminished and we were in need of a new condom. So, we laid there for a while and discussed what we were doing and he decided he was terribly nervous and was thinking far too much and over analyzing things...so we layed there and I tried to "arouse him" so finally i gave in another longer blowjob and we slipped the next condom on, I pulled off my underwear and we attempted to have sex...well, it shrunk back, before it got in, and left him feeling really bad and inadequete..I hadn't really had my heart set on doing anything, And I felt bad about him feeling like it was his fault...so we just laid there, put our clothes back on and I read another chapter of Phantom Tollbooth, well after being a through fool and serenading him out of glumness, we decided we'd have better luck next time.

2003-03-30T10:32:00.001-08:00

Jessicka

Which gawth type camgirl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Arlo Guthrie

2003-03-29T00:09:00.000-08:00

lung junction
When I was a child, I used to sleep with my mother, and I would lay next to, in the dark of our room and conciously try to synchronize of breathing patterns, I have no idea why I would do this, I just would..then I would press my small body against her back, put my hand on her side, and try to match the rise and fall of our bodies and we breathed, and she slept.

2003-03-29T00:05:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: The Dick Midgets

2003-03-29T00:04:00.000-08:00

Congrats, Camus! "What is a rebel? A man who
says no." And you say it loudly & often.
Were it not for your passion & talent, you'd be
merely contrary. You believe in the power of
the individual to shape his own destiny. Them
cigarettes are gonna make you cough.

Which French Revolutionary Are You? *Not Finished
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-28T00:18:00.001-08:00

Fuzzy Coconut! You are a fuzzy coconut. You live on
Glucose and live in a tree like a crazy mofo
with leprosy. You have been mistaken for a
bowling ball and probably identify with the
Lion King because they sing "I've got a
lovely bunch of coconuts.."

What Fuzzy Thing Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-28T00:18:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: The Cramps

2003-03-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

Marissa sent me the picture of Alek.....

Wee!!! I'm having so much fun with these links!!!!

2003-03-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

The famous....ALEK!!!! Hehehe, well, now he's skinnier and has longer hair....but you'll get the main idea..!

2003-03-27T11:59:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Lovin' Spoonful

2003-03-27T11:58:00.000-08:00

-Donnie- You're Donnie and you belong to Katie
Marie. You come off as a little angry or quiet,
but you're actually a pretty cool person.
You're deeper than people think, and you're the
one that will come back to make sure your
friends are ok,even if you left at first.

Which of "The Guys" Are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

I wonder why Allie hasn't mentioned anything about Alek and my relationship with him. She must have an opinion, she knows both of us pretty well...I don't know...I just think its strange..
Today I'm hoping to go vist Cynthia with Anna. I don't know if it will work out. I haven't seen either of them in over a week.

2003-03-26T01:23:00.001-08:00

Band of the day: Dream Theatre

2003-03-26T01:23:00.000-08:00

Kurt Cobain

Which clinically depressed singer\songwriter are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

the water
You know what I hate? I hate it when the windshield wiper gets alll but that one triangular area in the center.....and it keeps going back and forth, water, no water, driving you nuts, why can't it just get ALL THE FUCKING WATER!!!
I hate that SO much.

2003-03-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

Crappy thoughts
*Sigh* I wonder why Allie hasn't mentioned anything about Alek to me....I mean she must have an opinion on our relationship....she knows both of us. I feel like asking her what she thinks. But I know what she'll say, she'll say its non of her business...which is probably true.
Silly me looking for validation.
I'm hoping to go visit Cynthia with Anna. I haven't seen either of them in over a week....
Anyway...

2003-03-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

Every me
I'm posting every single day lately. Its probably due to spring vaction, and after spring vacation I will cease to be so diligent and commited to this...Pity...quite a pity...I name parts of me, not only physical parts of me either....I name personalities and strong feelings that inhabit me. My tits are Thelma and Louise, My sexual diverse personality is Sydney. My inner child...the evil girl who lives inside me and takes things the wrong way delibratly, and get hurt by silly things and has childish tantrums and acts more like a child than the rest of ever has.
She is the kid I want to kill. And that makes her cry.
Her name is Hetty.

2003-03-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Bjork

2003-03-24T11:19:00.000-08:00

"Like he'd ever understand"

he said to me,

a patron of his own charms

lost in the perverse blow

of a staving boys' taste

on his Imperious dick.

She had left many of them shot

a few bucks laying on they're privates

"I thought I'd never be thick

enough to believe you

And I am"

the Violent poet said

His hand left on the counter of all he'd had come to know

he sat in his over-clean Kitchen spiting out the fumes from his

from his last cigarette

the cigarette he'd left in the box

for that special time he needed it

He sucked it in and lovingly fucked the death that had taken hold of his lungs

His foot on the table

His ass in the chair

He silently thought of all the things

he needed to do

That procastination and apathy

had never let him do

the meanial chores,

the balancing of his check book

The unfinshed business he had with Marcy

Marcy the slut, Marcy the Whore, Marcy the wonderus woman.

Last seen, she'd had her

legs up by her dark skinned neck

screaming out in orgasmic bliss.

Then looking to the door staring at him

The man she loved

She'd smiled in a satisfyed way

and turned back to the pleasure of infidelity

His mind was racing with a million emotions

He kept them focused on the cigarette.

Still clutched between the fingers

he'd once had

In her hair

On her face.

Her tits, her smile all ran through him

In remembrance

He forced himself back into the loving

anti-trance of the singular cigarette.

the only thing that he didn't recall her stealing from him

His blood was full of rage and vodka

His lungs full of death

His hand full of death too.

Differnet death

the faster death

the death he'd never dare touched before now

In silence

He murmured a soft howl

His mouth full of smoke and metal

metal of the death he held in his unforgiven hands

hands that had loved her,

Hands that had fed her

almost tasted her

he thought of her taste

and then the barrel had never tasted so good

her dirt

her scum

contaminated him in a sickining manner

Closed his crying eyes

closed his sighing lips

over the barrel.

played with the trigger

thinking

It seemed worth it just to pull

seemed worth it just to give himself over

to whatever was on the other side

Worth whatever would be left to clean up

for Juanita's innocent unsuspecting hands

Her face kept beating relentlessly in his brain

Smiling with that contemptous satisfaction

Her backed arched in the passion of another

The trigger was becoming more inviting as her moans rang in his ears

Or was that the phone?

It rang out in the silent kitchen in which his death had been invited

A sign? he thought

a complication?

It rang again

the gun lowered

the hand reached

the voice said

"Hello?"

"Hi....Would you like to invest in the stock of Donner, Madley and Jestives..."

the telemarketer rambled on

He stared sideways at the reciever...Breathing deeply

What was this?

Was he going to hang up on this woman

and continue with his death?

"hello??"

the reciever awoke him from his slumbering thoughts

He hung up

He looked down

he dropped the gun

Marcy wasn't worth this

Nothing was worth this

glancing at the floor

his dead cigarette stared back

The last one he'd ever have.

2003-03-24T10:30:00.001-08:00

Band of the day: The Mamas and the Papas

2003-03-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

There was a time

when he stopped me

and he told me

what was mine

There was a world

another world I'd never turned to

never walked through

fell out of touch

But then he's there and he's a master

he's a pawn, no, he's an ace

and I worry about the times we've never had that

take to long and I don't feel strong

enough

You beat it out and

keep it loud so

no one else can hear

you screaming

in a dark and silent releam

of your mind

And I don't mean to

be a melodramatic

but its hard

and I feel sorry

I'm such a fucking

Hallmark card

Then out of my unforgivable waste

I stepped up a foot to taste

the the last verdant memories

we shared

he cared

it left me dark

I feel no spark

It leaves me like you

It leaves all those empty sighs, breathing ceaselessly in my lung, turning into words I never said to you things I kept inside because

I'm scared

and unaware

of all those

biast things I feel better than

but I'm not

And wish you well

And wish you unwell

I'm bitterly wishing you nothingness,

to breath like me out of the Incarnate Speech

of things you don't want me to know.

At least you let it show

You'll never hear this

I'll never be the brave one..

not until I know its safe and then it lost me

And I've confused you

if I tell you all

will I lose you?

I think its true.....

Then out of her black haze of midnight steeping

In the world of waking and just snoozing

Her hand held out a significant hunger

the tatse for all she had come to fear

the sex, the drugs, the deciete, the brains

she left it nothing

Holding tightly in her hand the wishes she once held true

In a man, a lover, a death to her own stablity, the images her mind placed in

closed and open all at once in an agility contest of who can get to the last word first..

And close their mouth and lose the race.

Close your eyes and breathe in the pace

It leaves you shot in a breath

breath better spent on bettering yourself

but she doesn't do that

above it all her conceited breath had no time to be wasted on you

it closes shut my hatred and talks of many things.

It lies to me

I lie to me

I don't like to

but I must survive

but with out it I'm left a silent beggar on the footsteps of my own conscience

I'm out of touch

I don't feel much

I like it that way

never knowing

what to say or

Say

But life has endings and

days

can't stay

forever.

2003-03-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

Cute Flirt

What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Moby

2003-03-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

And her heart was full of bliss
that hung like dark damp amethyst
it was a joke
it was a crime
it was just another rhyme

2003-03-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

The grass was pleasant damp and warm
and the dirt was comforting your form
It was just another hour
Full of air that hung like flowers

The stars were blazing in the sky
rubbing toes with comets flying by
It was just another night
Full of black cold soft moonlight.

2003-03-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

I feel so Inadequete.
Sometimes I'm just too lazy to type anything in here, but I still feel totally obligated, I usually just end up putting in my band of the day and a quiz result....my, people reading this must think I'm incredibly bland. *Sigh* Well I supose theirs nothing to be done. At least I'm typing in it right now. As opposed to..well...not.

2003-03-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

borderline

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Dropkick Murpheys

2003-03-21T01:26:00.001-08:00

Band of the day: Violent Femmes

2003-03-21T01:26:00.000-08:00

Red:
Aren't you the romantic? Life is poetic. If you
don't already, write poetry, you're good at it.

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-20T14:01:00.000-08:00

scary times
Alek is meeting having dinner with my Dad tomarrow evening..God, I hope my dad doesn't act like a dickhole. Oooh! I must tell you a story about my dear dear Daddy....Alright, it went something like this, and its true I swear, just ask Anna..!

Annas Dad and my Dad live in the same trailer park, so I went to pick up Anna....(I hadn't been at my own dads house in months) So I decide that I want to stop by his house and pick up a couple of dollars, I know he's not home...So we go in the back door, which is always unlocked and the house is dilapitated, I mean, clothes everywhere and cigarette butts in jars all over the living room (my dad flucuates between smoking and not smoking and he feels guilty about it, so he keeps all these cigarette butts in jars and whenever he starts smoking again, he stacks them around the living room, so he'll be aware of what hes doing....anyway..!) The house is ramshackled and filthy, I go over to the Fridge (thats right next to the coffee table) to get some money off a jar on the top, when I hear Anna gasp and say...
"Oh god, thats not what think it is..is it?"
Turn around to discover she is staring at two vibrators on the coffee table.....a big one and a small one...At first I don't know what I'm looking at, I take a paper towel and pick one up long enough to see that it has five speeds before tossing it away in disgust.
We were paralyzed...All the way to Medford Anna kept asking me..."Why does your Dad have dildo?"
I was terribly confused and I still can't give her an answer....
Scary times.....

2003-03-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

SEX APPEAL

(results contain pictures) What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Frank Zappa

2003-03-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

Embroidered down upon this quilt
saturated red in guilt
body aching peeled and dry
Perspirating in the sky

Clouds that float into my sleep
Smoking off their intended leak
That spills with sorrow and remorse
and makes my blood run thick and corse.

Stealing what I knew was mine
Forgetting what voids leave behind
The vouyer stares me in the eye
Pupil full in gazing pride.

Sinking in the endless sheets
White like pillows soft as sheep
the lamp clicks on and leaves me blind
lost in sudden golden chime.

2003-03-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-19T07:31:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Nine Inch Nails

2003-03-18T16:22:00.000-08:00

You are Anne Welles!
You tend to let people walk all over you; men ,
strong willed women, but that is okay. In time,
you learn to stand up for yourself...a little.

Which Valley Of The Dolls Girl Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

My convuluted scheme to love you
Intricate plan, induring fate
As pink blossoms die in fall
I was gently jaded
By your theories and your wearies
They brought down my wall of chains
And my convuluted scheme to love you
Dying endlessly.

2003-03-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Placebo

2003-03-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

2003-03-17T07:49:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: The Beatles
The band I was once uncontrollably obsessed with!

2003-03-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

You're SCARY SPICE! RARRRRR! *i'm scared*

Which Spice Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-17T07:45:00.000-08:00

Me the pitiful wee dork
I write him this:
Yep, That did I recieve and through that discourse did smiles crack along my face.

Well, she sighs...the one regarding my Dad isn't all that important, since telephone technology did prevail and allowed our thoughts on Paternal banquet to flow generously...If not briefly.

I must dually apologize for involving glumness in the wee small goodbyes of our conversation...do not fret, anything that poured from your lips did not disprove my already tattered mind. My heart beats for you, my lungs breathe for you and my lips will dare to press yours....My hand will dare to venture to your face and warm fingertips caress your eyes......

Need not to say the shakespear tongue doth flow....Pardon, my love...for it hath thoughts of it own...Do not slander my gentle soul, feel pity if any, feel love if many....whatever love may be, a pawn in this cruel game....the pawn that tricks us into giving up our sacred pieces....

Aimee

2003-03-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

Slowly I imbibe your tune
resting in my dark blue room
Intrinsic fading gentle sighs
breathing in sweet comprimise

You're the good girl from your small home town. You
are loving, caring, and a downright good
person. Sometimes a bit kooky, and you have the
spirit of a child. You may not be all that
smart, but you are one of the most nice and
kind people anyone can ever know.

Which one of the Golden Girls are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

Swinging up to kiss your eyes
in the swelter of my lies
I felt a thread of fiece consent
Of your love and contentment

The sky was dripping in the shade
Willing night to drain away
Turning gold and streaking blue
Your body warmed my hands on you.

2003-03-16T00:48:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Laura Nyro

2003-03-16T00:47:00.000-08:00

You are *Riff-Raff*! This is essentially your show.
You may stay in the background to start with
but you come into your own at the end. You are
definetly a 'family man' and you've become an
icon for Rocky Horror fans worldwide. Not bad
for a hunchback with little hair!

Which Rocky Horror Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

Band of the day: Enigma

2003-03-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

Jessica Rabbit

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

I like to be irritated
I went to a shakespear play last night with Alek...It was very entertaining...but don't you sometimes wish you had a gun to shoot all the psuedo-teenie-boppers-who-use-1-2-syllable-words-and-if-they-can't-like-with-names-they-make-abbreviations-that-don't-make-any-sense-because-god-fordib-they-actually-sound-like-they-have-an-IQ-that-doesn't-match-their-shoe-size...I know I do...there were a bunch of them at the play and it was this really political play, so that really didn't make any sense....

2003-03-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

You are BAT MAN *da da* YOU ARE BATMAN. Not the new
crapy one but the middle age sweet one. When
you origanly started the worlds *bang* and
*pow* would show up w hen u hit some one. You
have to coolest car ever, and i love u for it!

What cartoon super hero are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Band of the day: The Dandy Warhols

2003-03-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I write these things
Curiously, I feel neutral. Henceforth, the curiousity. If I were mad, would not the curiousity fade? but undoubtably I don't feel at currrent occasion. Perhaps I do and the feeling is simply of a curious nature. And lying to myself may only be a reproduction of my own selfish integreties and pride that allows me to feel when and where I wish. The biggest problem at present is the absense of emotion. Is the protocal of awakening (just being vaugly tired) a condition on which this mornings feelings are unavalible or once again is it all imaginitive folly. If I were to judge it as such I could simply state that everything, grass being green, senses being taste-filled and love (though not at large) are constant hallucinations. A vapid reality in which I fool myself into believing myself. But I don't because emotion is lost.

2003-03-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Find Your Inner Cartoon Babe
brought to you by Quizilla

Band of the day: Joy Division

2003-03-08T20:42:00.000-08:00

You are Enid from Ghost World. A
walking, talking quip, you always have
something to say and never bite back your
statement. Like Enid, though, you're a lost
soul and have trouble finding your way around
the world.
You find the good in all things weird.

What Unconventional Movie Heroine Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

an entry
I feel abnormal lately....I find myself not knowing how I feel...curiously neutral and calm, however this sudden tranquility puts me ill at ease....so feeling calm as I am has become something else. I suppose its apprehesion, anticipation....or good old teenage angst! I feel rotten and typical, maybe I'm just utterly ordinary and continually striving for something that will make me feel exceptional...As if I have something that no one else has, something that makes me unique....perhaps I'm just a miserable 14 year old girl who is a "lost soul" and a tad "bohemian" maybe I am a grand meaningless stereotype with nothing left for me except to fulfill my poitless inadequete purpose...These are the thoughts that are supposed to go away now that I'm taking this new anti-depressant....Ephexir I think its called...I don't know, it drops me really bad and then I'm inexplicably depressed when I wake up in the morning. Ahhhh..Yes I have clinical depression. Woo Hoo.

Band of the day: Mudhoney

2003-03-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

You are Spaceballs!
You have a strange obsession with odd furry
creatures and you need to pick your helmet up
when drinking coffee. You can go from suck to
blow in a matter of seconds, but you're really
just looking for a good time in a winnebago.

Which Mel Brooks Movie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Band of the day: Ben Folds Five

2003-03-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

One of many things I love about him aka something he wrote to me...
All I see is you. I lie awake, my eyes are open yet plunged into darkness. I feel you. But you're not here, you're miles away in your own bed, with your own dreams. So near, yet so far. Fleeting memories, what you said, how you felt, run in slow-motion through my mind. I want nothing more than to feel your warmth next to me, a bliss only you can bring. But I lie here, alone, but happy. Because all I see is you.Here I am, saying what I feel when I feel it. And now I sleep, pleading with time to allow tomorrow to come faster. For school to be over. So I can see your face again.

-Alek. . .feels sappy. In a good way.

2003-03-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

Lady Macbeth

Which woman of Shakespeare are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Band of the day: The Butthole Surfers

2003-03-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

Devon Aoki

Which ridiculously attractive model are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

Mahahahahaha
Kurtis has come back to ATI. I think he still likes me, I'm not talking to him much, he really needs some space from me right now. I hurt him really badly. He passed me today and squeezed my side just like he used to do when he was flirting....Jason was also doing that today, he kept poking me. So I grabbed his tit...It was funny he squealed...Jason is so funny...
Oh and I met a girl that I was actually attracted to today....not majorally but sufficiantly, someone who, If she felt the same way, I could see myself dating, she wasn't exactly pretty, but I thought she was. Kika hasn't mailed me in while, I've sent her several letters I hope shes not mad at me. Bug has been writing her and he is known for making up lies or "stretching the truth" and plus he likes to talk shit about people. I love him all the same, he just may have said something I didn't say. Or what have you.
I'm so pathetic. I have nothing better to write in here but my petty little problems....At least they're mine.

Band of the day: Hole

2003-02-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

Jack Johnson
I feel so stupid, I saw his album cover and brief clip of him in concert and I thought he was black! I'm such an idiot! Well, he looked black on the album cover, and the clip I saw of him in concert, was very dim and shadowy, so I couldn't really see his facial features all that well....Anyway, I feel really idiotic.

2003-02-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2003-02-27T23:49:00.000-08:00

something I'm realizing
Also, I think I might be bisexual, Its not exactly that I'm really really attracted to girls or anythng, its just that....I could see myself having a relationahip with a woman in the future, but it would have to be someone very special, someone that I could really relate to, well, I guess thats a given for any relationship. I guess, I'm sufficiantly attracted to females, so that, it would be possible for me to have a romantic relationship with one. but once again, I'm only attracted to specific ones.

2003-02-27T23:46:00.000-08:00

thought ass biting
He told me some things that he had been thinking about....he told me that he was afraid he might lose all his feelings for me all of a sudden and hurt me really badly, He said he was concerned about the fact that I am 4 years younger than him and that I'm starting high school just as he's finishing.....He told me not to take any of it too seriously because, its just worries.....He told me, "for lack of a better, more potent word, I love you" Its all very confusing, I'm trying not to think about it, which is why it keeps coming back around and biting me in the ass....When your trying not to think about something, it often becomes the only thing on your mind. That bittersweet irony of the world.
I feel all these things and I don't know which ones are real and which ones are fleeting, and what if the real ones are fleeting?
I feek so utterly lost. I miss him, I want him. Now. I feel childish and scared.

2003-02-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

Are you damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

You're coming back! And if you are a Hindu you are going to have very specific characteristics:

"The slayer of a woman and the destroyer of embryos becomes a savage full of diseases; who commits illicit intercourse, a eunuch; who goes with his teacher’s wife, disease-skinned. The eater of flesh becomes very red; the drinker of intoxicants, one with discolored teeth...." (Garuda Purana)

2003-02-27T07:46:00.000-08:00

at least
I have been deeply depressed lately and only two things truly help....contact with Alek and Kika.....
With Alek, I feel co,fort and safety, I feel happy and I would love to just lay there forever in his arms.....
With Kika, I only recieve letters and emails, I haven't heard her voice in the longest time, but simply knowing shes there, or recieving one of her letters brings me such joy.
I hate being depressed, becuase it makes me feel like a statistic....Poor poor, troubled teen,dear her, she feel like shes alone in the world, boo hoo and all that crap, I feel like the typical teen girl and that annoys me. Which leads to my self-hatred, which leads to my depression, which makes me feel like a statistic....and so forth.
At least I'm aware of all of it and not completely purging myself on totally wallowing in depression and suicidal thoughts.

2003-02-26T22:02:00.000-08:00

something he said that made me smile
"I can't imagine my life without you. I love the way you speak,
the way you feel, your 'essence' as a person, the way you look."

2003-02-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

My insulting name is Paintedjezebel Valdoonican'slovechild!
What's yours?